hmmm…

perhaps some thoughts to share later…

quite exhausting if we are not walking in His strength and believing Him that He is sovereign over these things too.

the last very-many posts on this site were not heart rich either… indicative, i think.

there has been a lot in life.  a lot of learning.  a lot of falling.  a lot of needing.  a lot of hoping.  a lot of sorrow.  a lot of heaviness.

so much is up in the air.  decisions to be made.  steps to be taken.  questions to be asked and (hopefully) answered.

missing solid brothers and sisters my age.  it was so easy with cru… they were everywhere.  but a life of ease was not what i was promised.  a life of ease was not what i left everything behind for.

pray for guidance and discernment dear ones, please.

may we meditate tonight on the last five words of john 16:33.

So He set me to thinking… I don’t want my walk with the Lord to be like that… where I don’t have the finish line in mind.  There were days over the last couple of weeks where I would not train… or where I would cut my training short for the day… simply because I wasn’t feeling up to it.  I was focused on the present moment rather than focusing on the goal set before me that was ever-approaching.

So hmm.

I have been seeing and thinking on as of late the many people I know who would have said at one time, “I am a Christian,” who now deny Him or have given into wishy-washy foolishness or apathy.  Or people who would still claim Him but their lives look, as the 116 Clique so aptly says, worthless. I pray and hope that I am never found to be among those numbers.

O how often I fall into short-sightedness though.  How often I simply seek to get to the end of a shift at work or hurry the line at the register along so that we won’t be making guests wait for more than a few minutes.  Focusing on the present moment alone rather than focusing on eternity and THEN focusing on the present moment in response to eternity.  ”…Making the most of every opportunity” (Col. 4:5).

So I pray that (since I’ve caught the tri bug and I also desire to be a better steward of my body) I train well physically for the rest of my life.  But more–SO MUCH MORE–I pray that I live with my heart set on the finish… eternity with my Jesus and all who are His.  That I live in response to what He has set before me more and more every day.

May it indeed be so.  Enshallah.

today is a day when songs must pour forth… no other outlet seems enough… only song.

harmonies.  lilting melodies.

acoustic.  breezes.

in certain light, green is a green i’ve not yet seen and blues are a soft, breathy azure.

bright eyes and hope.  waiting for the clouds to break or break open.

safety?

what’s a girl to do, beloved?

and i am so grateful to the Lord for His Bride, the Church.  why?  because there is no way i could have done it without the people He has put in my life to cheer me on.

now… off for a run!

tonight i was going through some old portuguese notes, trying to figure out the translation for a portuguese song for s. and s. when i stumbled upon a piece of notebook paper where i had written the answers to some questions that some professor had probably asked me to answer.  they were about my future.  five years after college.  i said i’d probably be working for campus crusade or in law school after taking some time off from undergrad.  wow.  i don’t remember exactly when i wrote those words, but i distinctly remember feeling like the dreams i was writing about weren’t really my dreams as my pencil looped blindly across the page.

i mean yes, i knew i wanted to work for campus crusade for a bit, but i also knew that if i stayed there it would probably be out of fear or the desire for ease and familiarity.

these realizations about how different my life looks from the musings of my past have become increasingly frequent as of late.  even in the seemingly foolish things.

a few days ago i walked into the salt shaker bookstore with the intention of killing an unexpectedly spare half hour.  i walked out with a Christian love story.  when my eyes fell to the cover i remembered how much i used to identify with all the heroines in those stories… how they were so wounded from their past and kept everyone at a distance beyond the fortress-like walls surrounding their hearts.  the fear.  the hope that tasted bitter in their mouths.  i didn’t so much focus on why i identified with them, i just remembered that i did identify with them.  and besides, my heart has been longing to feel romanced for quite some time now, to remember that i am uniquely feminine–a tender blossom waiting for light to beckon me to fullness. (yes i did just type that… ::grin::).  so i bought it, eager to take in the words and pages that would so resonate with my heart.

so i read.  and it was good.  but you know what?  it was different.  very different.  different because i am different.  very different.  as i read the new yet very familiar story i realized that i didn’t resonate with the heroine as much.  those walls aren’t there around my heart anymore like they were.  i don’t think every relationship is bound to hurt you anymore.  i don’t feel the need to “protect myself” from people anymore.  and i don’t view having a man know and delight in the deepest reaches of my heart as a precursor to healing anymore.

that’s huge.  that is God’s grace in my life.

and i don’t feel like i need to read a book to see an example of a Godly relationship or see the picture of Christ loving His Bride anymore.  i LIVE with that example.  in my church family i am SURROUNDED by examples of that.

God be praised.

on a side note though i will say this:  sometimes i think that based on the way God made me there is no way He doesn’t have some crazy love story planned out for me.

but you know what?  even if He doesn’t have that for me with a man, He certainly has that for me with Himself.

God be praised.

first, the county health department does not treat virgins in most of its clinics.  i won’t comment on that one.

second, the vast majority of middle-class america’s refrigerator content looks very different from mine.  i read a little bit of Real Simple’s “Meals Made Easy” magazine today and in their “no shop” section (a section with recipes that don’t require a trip to the grocery store i presume) one of the first recipes called for goat cheese.  who has goat cheese just lying around?

definitely not me.  i’m on a budget thankyouverymuch.

i’ll take my sharp cheddar and pepper jack over middle-america’s goat cheese any day.  ::grin::